Where is the love?
I have been singing my entire life. I have always loved it. I loved making wonderful harmonies in my choirs growing up, I loved how singing made me feel. Where did that go? I can tell you. The music "industry" killed it. I let it.
I have an undergraduate degree in Voice Performance from Memorial University of Newfoundland. My teachers there instilled a love for the vocal repertoire that was unparalleled. I was inspired and excited to continue. The same can be said for the Operatic repertoire as I did a Masters Degree in Opera Performance at University of British Columbia. I was so excited to get to combine dance, drama and singing just as I had before with musical theatre but it was heightened. I was on top of the world as I discovered opera and fell madly in love with it. I went on to work at the Atelier Lyrique de l'Opéra de Montréal where I got a really taste of what the operatic career might entail and I was still blindly unaware of my future of rejections, rollercoasters and upsets.
Once I was finally on my own in the "real world" I found out I was very wrong about what I thought the career would be like. I thought I would be making alright or good money and that I would be busy at least every month with a project. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG! I got insecure. I wanted to know what I could do to get out of this mess. I let every Joe, Sally and John have a say as to how I sounded and what I needed to do. I didn't trust myself and my instincts. I didn't trust my own gut feelings. I thought everyone knew better than me. Guess what? They don't!
I also let my voice be my value. Big shock: this is not true nor helpful. Can you imagine if you thought your car defined you? How it worked etc? Okay, maybe some people do in a consumerist way, but that shouldn't define you. I have been there for years and I can tell you it doesn't make you sing better.
Recently a wonderful singer I know posted about a bad review of himself on Facebook. He commented on how we always try and make everything seem to be wonderful all the time and we don't mention the heartache and loneliness of the music "industry." Somedays it is the most wonderful thing you could ever imagine doing and then the next day it can feel like you are digging the biggest hole and you have no idea how to get out of it. The reason why?
Everyone is critical. Even people who don't know what it is like to sing a note in their life somehow know better than we do. For example: A few years ago I sang an audition in New York City in front of a large panel of people. I paid to sing for them, paid to get there, and paid a pianist for this audition in hopes of getting a job but at the very least, some feedback. To that I say: Dear Jurer X, your two painful words "Ugly Voice" have haunted me for years. It almost was if you were calling my soul, my very being; ugly. I really hope you weren't a singer because you must know how much it hurts to hear such cruel words. Deep down I hope you were just having a bad day, were hungry or maybe english wasn't your first language. Criticism is fine as long as it is productive or you give a way to fix this problem. Unfortunately I can't really do much with those two words. I know I shouldn't have listened but you taught me a very important lesson that day. You have to care for yourself first. You need to feed your artistic soul. You need to trust what you love and believe in. That day and for a very long time afterwards I searched for people to "love" me/my voice again. Guess what? That doesn't work.
I recently did an audition where I felt frozen. I felt stuck because I had a history at this particular place. I want to be loved, I want to be accepted, but why couldn't I let go? To be fair to myself, auditions SUCK. There is no audience, no set, no costumes and people sitting there on their phones, writing, talking or on their computers. It is distracting. We pay so much money to go to these auditions and then sometimes get ignored. This was not the case in this scenario, but we live and learn. What can we do other than let go and try to do our best for the next time? Why do I taunt myself with what I could have done differently at that measure or how I could have breathed better at this measure. We torture ourselves after, or at least I do.
All that to be said, I have recently started singing some musical theatre again. Guess what, it has saved me. Before when I listened to my demos I could only hear the flaws. I recently did one for a concert proposal and I love what I hear. I don't know if what I am doing is "right," but I don't care. I am happy. At the end of the day, that is all that matters. What I am getting at here is; trust yourself. Trust your feelings. If it is not feeling right, abort mission! I am not saying quit, but find another way to do it. Whether that be another venue or another art form, go for it! I, by no means have lost the love of opera, but I can tell you finding back the love of musical theatre has helped me love my voice and opera even more.
To conclude for all of those singers and non-singers out there: FIND THE LOVE in whatever form you can and try to bring it to every aspect of your life. Sometimes that means not caring as much and trusting your feelings. Everything in life is a process, and I wish you the most pleasant and happy journey.
If you are looking for me, I will be sitting in front of my piano jamming to some show tunes.
xox Suzanne
